Half 50
A birthday card for myself
I am finally half 50. Still can’t believe that I have lived this long, never thought that I will reach this age. For some is no big deal, but for me is a gift that GOD gave me. I’m still alive and breathing until today.
When I decided to write this, I’m thinking a lot about the past, thinking about what I have done so far, what changed, and how much I have grown as a person. Took me long enough to write this, I’m too lazy to do it. I always said that I like writing, but once I dive down deep into it, it’s hard! And I like just to be lazying around on my bed, scrolling social media for no reason, until I fall asleep, and when I woke up, I remorse. And I said to myself, I have to do it even if I don’t feel like it, our heart will follow our hands, said Dr.Sanderson Onie. And it’s true! even though it’s still hard for me to begin.
I am sitting in front of my window when I write this, the wind running around flirtatiously and nudging the leaves of the trees. The bird talking to each other, and the sun that shyly say hello trying to get inside my room, while listening to “Facebook Friends by Theodore Shapiro”, is the background music of the movie “The Intern”, starring Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro, is one of my favorite movie that I wouldn’t mind to watch it over and over again. These elements help me to write this card.
Actually, every year I don’t really look forward to my birthday or really excited about my birthday, because I know there’s nothing to celebrate besides I am getting older and I am still alive. And to remind me, how great GOD is, that He makes me live until today. Don’t get me wrong, I always feel grateful and thankful that I’m still alive. In the past, when I am still a kid and teenager, I always look forward to my birthday, because my family will throw a party, but as soon as I get older, and things getting rough and harder at home, the atmosphere at home is not…, so I see my birthday as just an ordinary day. But on a positive note, I like the number and the month I was born though.
Now let the message begin. To my dearest old friend, Nesya. You have grown so much for 25 years, still standing strong until today and still fighting your “over feelings” and “overthinking” that still haunt you, but you still think that you would overcome this. There are memories you wish you could erase, You wish that “If I am a better person back then, not the egoist and selfish person that your friends hate to hanging around with, and if you are not so idealistic person”, things might become better now. People might see you differently. There are so many things that you wish you could change or at least erase from your memories, but the past is the past, let the chain that encircles your feet be exposed as you walk to your new age. Remember that humans change, no one stays the same. You change as well! You’ve become calmer and start to breathe, and that’s good, you start to see your surrounding better. Slowly starting to sort out what needs to be changed and improve.
You always wish to become more cheerful and hope people will like you that way, and you will have many more friends, but you can’t ignore your nature. Let your uniqueness be acknowledged someday. BE YOU! That’s your spell, right? You can’t force someone to be your friend, if they like you, they will like you, if they don’t, find someone who will. Don’t set your expectation too high, human is unpredictable. People come and go, so your friends, you will be close to them today, but you will be apart the next day, and that’s life. All you need to do is always be kind, and help them if they need your help, so one day if you are apart they will remember there someone named Nesya that cross their path and hope they feel comfortable in every step they walk with you.
This is also the age where you have a hard time deciding which path to be taken, and what will you do to spend the rest of your life. Take a small step. Ah~ I am curious what you will be in your 30s, and I’m looking forward to it. You have set your goal, now it’s time to take action. Baby step and you will get there, nothing is instant, even an instant noodle needs to be cooked first haha. It’s okay not to figure it out at your age, keep learning and it’s better not to know anything, it’s better to look stupid rather than look smart or pretend you know everything because when you didn’t know about anything, you will learn a lot.
I just read this online and I think you should know too, “Your career is not your identity, Your job is something you do and not something you are” — Fempire. id. Don’t think too much about your age, at this certain age I have to already achieve this. Age it’s just a number, enjoy every step of the way. Do things you love. As long as you do not become a burden to someone else lives, you’re doing great.
Try to learn to accept it, my dear old friend! When you accept with your whole heart that it did happen to you it will be easier for you to forgive. Try to lower your heart, and preserve your land in your heart, grow some pretty flower in it, it becomes more and more dry and barren each day. Remember you are not a victim!
But words are just words, it will still be hard to do it, but change needs time, and I am sure you will slowly get better one by one. When things get rough you know where to go.
Le vent se lève, il faut tenter de vivre (The Wind Rises, We must try to live) — Paul Valéry
